Why Things Go Wrong Just When You Start Winning (And What To Do About It)
Deep Dive
Takeaway: Self-sabotage is when people do (or don’t do) things that prevent their success toward a goal, and is common in people who find they backslide just when they start seeing progress. It usually stems from fear, or more directly, fear of having to step out of one’s comfort zone into a new role or identity.
In this article, you’ll learn how to evaluate and overcome self-sabotage to get out of your own way.
Why Things Go Wrong Just When You Start Winning (And What To Do About It)
I was asked by one of our members:
I just don’t get it. I can be doing well and seeing progress, but then I start relaxing around my diet and going out more. I still think I’m eating healthy, but all the weight comes back. Why can’t I stick with it?
What we’re seeing here is self-sabotage.
It’s common for people to find themselves backsliding at just the moment when they are doing their best.
Self-sabotage is when people do (or don’t do) things that prevent their success toward a goal.
In this context, self-sabotage often takes the form of skipped workouts and more junk food.
Why does self-sabotage happen?
Often, it stems from fear.
And you might automatically jump to assuming this is a fear of failure. In reality, it’s more likely a fear of success.
Here’s why:
When we fail at making changes to our life, the result is being left where we started. While that might not be a great place to be, it is a familiar place to be.
Familiarity breeds comfort. Sometimes, our comfort zone is being in a place that doesn’t make us happy. We will often choose comfort over happiness.
When you succeed at a goal, especially one involving lifestyle changes, you are stepping into a new way of being. This “new life” is still unfamiliar and unknown.
You may think to yourself, “can I live up to these new expectations and normal ways of being?”
Sometimes those new expectations are f*ckin’ scary.
And once that fear steps into the picture, our (often subconscious) reaction is to retreat back to our comfort zone.
Now we start to skip workouts or revert to old eating habits because those things feel familiar. Those self-sabotaging behaviors prevent our entering the new life that we’re afraid of.
If this is you, here’s what you can do to overcome self-sabotage. It is a five step process:
What is the trigger?
What is the behavior?
What is the belief?
What is the new story?
What is the new plan?
What’s The Trigger?
What is triggering the self-sabotaging behaviors? Get as specific as you can. Take a moment to reflect.
Was it a comment made by someone that caused doubt? Is it a story you’ve created in your head about what comes next?
You can’t prevent self-sabotage until you know what triggers it in your life. Start here.
What’s The Behavior?
What action are you taking that is self-sabotaging?
Ordering more takeout? Skipping the gym? An uptick in negative self-talk?
Whatever the specific action is that’s holding you back, identify and name it.
You can’t stop doing what you don’t know you’re doing.
What’s The Belief?
Our actions are seldom triggered by events. They are triggered by our beliefs about an event. the story we write for ourselves to make sense of what we’re experiencing.
This story results in a belief, and that belief drives what we do next.
For example, imagine you’re at a restaurant with friends. You’re participating but choose to order a healthier entree. A friend comments that you’re no fun anymore because of your “healthy diet.” This comment triggers you into an uncomfortable emotional reaction.
The belief your brain interprets is, “in order to be healthy I can’t have fun.”
This belief might scare you, as you imagine a joy-less future full of vegetables and bland foods.
The resulting behavior is that you wave down the waiter to change your order to the unhealthier entree that blows up your nutrition for the day.
Our beliefs drive our actions. If your actions don’t align with your goals, start to consider what beliefs you’re being driven by.
What’s The New Story?
Once you’ve identified the trigger, belief, and sabotaging behavior, now it’s time to turn the tides.
What new story can you write about the events to realign your beliefs?
In using the example above, here’s what you could do differently:
Instead of imaging a joy-less future, think about what actually brings you joy. Sitting with your friends telling stories, laughing, and connecting are what truly bring you joy.
The food in front of you is inconsequential.
When you shift to this new story, you become less concerned about what you ordered because now you get to experience joy AND stick to the actions that align with your goals.
What’s The New Plan?
Once you’ve address the self-sabotaging behavior and the beliefs that lead to it, and have developed an alternative perspective, now it’s time to make a new plan of action.
What can you do to avoid these self-sabotaging behaviors?
Does it involve having a better plan to address the challenges?
Does it involve recruiting a friend or coach to help keep you accountable?
Creating a plan gives you more clarity to what needs to be done to continue seeing results. Without a plan, there’s too much room for ambiguity. Ambiguity opens the door for self-doubt.
Self-doubt has no place in your new life.
~ Coach Alex
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